History of the Pinardville College Pipes

This is a brief history of the Pinardville College Pipes athletic program.  This document is unfinished. We intend to add the rest of this legendary story.

The History Pinardville College: The Pipes

Pinardville College, located in Pinardville, NH, also known as Goffstown, has a rich history in all types of academics and athletics. Their wonderful 1100 square foot campus is filled with overwhelming pride and tradition. Their attendance includes a myriad of eager students ready to learn and frankly crush any competitor they face in the classroom or on the field, court, rink, what have you.

There are many little known facts about Pinardville College. Mostly about how many very successful and famous people attended this wonderful establishment. Former presidential candidate and current government official Alan Keys attended PC. He was the third all-time leading scorer on the basketball team and played a stellar bass guitar for the school rock band for four years. He also was captain of the debate team for his junior and senior years at PC. He revolutionized how team debating was played and won. In fact he was undefeated as the captain and won four national championships with the pipes. He was also the first African American student to attend PC. He is considered the Martin Luther King Jr. of Pinardville College.

Other notable students of the past are current red sox short stop Nick Green and backup first baseman Aaron Bates.  These two stellar baseball talents lead the pipes local nine to the Stanley Steamer Division 6 National Championship three years in a row from 1996-1998. Many recall Green and Bates’ memorable embrace after the 1998 championship game in which the two stars hit back to back homeruns to tie and win the game in the ninth inning. This instant classic aired on ESPN 8, The Ocho. Of course that was no surprise to anyone since the sluggers had combined to hit the most homeruns and compile the most RBI of any two teammates in college baseball history. Many remember Labine Field as the sight of many unforgettable moments by these two diamond stars.

Our greatest football star was far and away former New England Patriots and current Kansas City Chiefs quarterback, Matt Cassel. Cassel attended PC for four years and guided the football team to three undefeated seasons and four Division 4 National Championship trophies. He holds NCAA records for passing yards with 22,497, and passing touchdowns with 209 during his four seasons at the helm of the pipes juggernaut offense. He was so good that the team ran a combined total of six running plays his entire college career. His teams averaged a record 59 points a game. He was robbed of the starting job in New England when the Pats decided the lowly Tom Brady was more suitable for the job then Cassel. However when Matty C got his chance in 2008 he, as everyone knew he would, showed that he was the better player and that he would be a star in the NFL. When the Patriots franchise tagged Cassel after the 2008 campaign for a pathetic $14.75 million a year he was outraged and demanded a trade, though not publicly, because that is the classy thing to do.  This year Cassel looks to lead the Chiefs to the promised land. And by all accounts he is ready to do so. Good luck to you Matt, and thank you for your outstanding example you’ve set for future Pipes greats.

Now on to the basketball court. On the parquet floors of the St. Marie’s Parish gymnasium is where the Pipes’ greatest athletic accomplishments have taken place. Their greatest player and by far most notable athlete was nicknamed the flying saltine. He had the ability to make competitors crumble to their knees with a devastating crossover. And everyone would ooh and awe every time he rained down a three from long distance. And his mid range game…wow.  Let’s just say nothing compares to its beauty, grace, and skillfulness in today’s game folks. His name you ask? Brian Scalabrine of course. He leads all NCAA scorers by well over a thousand points. He leads any rebounder by more than two hundred boards. And he averaged ten blocks a game through his four years as a Pipe. He is without question the greatest college basketball player that ever lived. He led the pipes to four undefeated seasons and won every game of his college career by more than fifteen points. His teams averaged well over one hundred points per game and he, himself averaged more than forty of those. He was the unquestioned leader physically and emotionally. He gave the greatest pre-game speeches of anyone I’ve ever heard. His speaking talents are so great in fact that he is rumored to have been the writer of Bill Pullman’s pre-counter offensive attack speech in the movie Independence Day. Yes folks, that amazing.

Scalabrine, or the flying triscut, was joined on the team by the afore mentioned Matt Cassel, who played power forward, the point guard Alan Keys, the shooting guard, Danny Wuerful, and center, Shawn Bradley. (Listed in order of all time NCAA points scored.) They were the most dynamic starting lineup in NCAA history. The thought of them brings tears of joy to my eyes. My hand shakes as I type their names in fact.

And how can we forget about the famous 2005 PVC water polo team. They won two championships in their first four years as an official PVC athletic program. Their leader was prized Russian recruit, Demitri Krutov. The freshman sensation tallied forty goals in his first NCAA season with the Pipes. Dick Vitale said, “He’s a diaper dandy baby!!!!” He went on to put up more than fifty goals in each of his next three seasons. Making Dick Vitale look like a genius. Krutov was then drafted by the Boston Wet Sox of the USWPL (United States Water Polo League) in an attempt to make water polo a fan favorite in the states. They are currently on track to do that. The Wet Sox doubled their 2007 attendance in 2008 with a whopping forty fans attending games throughout the season. This record is not tainted by the fact that two thirds of those fans were player’s parents. Anyways….Four of his fellow six teammates were drafted by the UPPA (Ukrainian Professional Polo Association). They have all been very successful professionally and publicly thank Pinardville College for helping them achieve such results in their careers. Krutov, himself said, “Pipe polo is what gave me the confidence to go out there and be the best in the world at what I do. And I am the best. Don’t you forget it.” The modesty of this kid continues to be an amazing asset for his career and fame. Keep it up D-Kru!

Another one of the great Pipe athletes was Nigel “Beef” Wellington. Beef is a star in England for his skill as a cheese roll competitor. He has won the last two cheese roll events. Everyone remembers the videos of Beef rolling, flipping and tumbling after a car tire down the hot top covering Cumberland St. Hill. He always said that using the pavement of city streets made the grass in England quote, “hurt less.” Beef was almost forced to retire from the cheese rolling event after steroid accusations flooded the papers. But those rumors were dashed when Beef threatened to kill the writer and his family if he didn’t stop, and I quote, “spreading all that shit” about Wellington. It looks like nothing will bring this kid down. This author says keep chasing that cheese, Beef!

Last but not least, we like to turn your attention to the fledgling Ice Soccer program at PVC.

Ice Soccer? you say? Yes… Allow me to elaborate

PVC’s founder the late great Melaga Belaga as a young boy in the now non-existant country of Yugoslavia witnessed many many horrors of which we will never be able to fully know, his mother was kidnapped when he was just a boy and killed on the street in front of him, and in his formative years when he discovered the “opposite sex” he was subjected to the only allowable adult magazine in the country. A little known publication called “Oprah tells YOU how to do IT” yes…folks an all oprah porno magazine in which she successfully space docked herself. We won’t go in to what space docking is here….. its………disturbing (think happy thoughts! LIKE THE BATES GREEN EMBRACE)

Melaga played soccer growing up and hockey in the winter, but since Melaga’s dream was to play in the national soccer league in Yugoslavia, he was just a natural soccer player and was confined to the “dungeons of the grass” as he put it in his late 1991 ancient aol chat-room post. When the hockey programed was formed, probably from brain damaged caused witnessing the oprah porno. A campus wide ultimatum was issued by Belaga that hockey would be called “Ice Soccer” therefore ever intertwining his favorite sports………….and in a way fulfilling his dream……….

Moving on……….

The IS (Ice Soccer) program consists of just 6 players in these the early days of its program, and the team actually competes in the NHIAA Class M division against local high schools. The Pipe IS club stormed out early last year to an 0-0-2 record but went the rest of the way winless going 0-20-2. Since the NHIAA allows 354 teams into its post season tournaments the pipes suffered a crushing loss to Campbell High School of litchfield in which their star goaltenders throat was slashed (not Clint Maychuk of the buffalo sabres style),  but during a 2nd period dust-up Star Center AleXaNdErSh YoUtIlIsh of Croatia shoved defensive stopper of Campell High Michelle Smith (she also kicks on the football team) hard against the boards touching off a bench clearing brawl that saw the entire Campbell team surrounding the 6 members of PVC IS and Smith made her way to PVC Goalie Mike Brandt (only american on the team) and stabbed him in the fucking throat with her skate. Any Given Sunday style………..

Thus the first year IS program is back with the 6 players returning and vowing to place in the Class M tournament. they are bolstered by a new recruit they lovingly call “cake eater” Adam Banks who was recruited to play for them after the team coach watched “The Mighty Ducks” Banks currently has a wrist injury he is recovering from and has been quoted in the newspaper as saying “I don’t even play hockey, It was a MOVIE!, but hey they want me to go to college for free!” good luck to you IS Pipes, and represent us well!

Next Article:

A diary of Basketball opening night VS the Saco Maine Rivers……….

This past weekend however, you could tour the PVC campus and take a wonderful journey through the Pipes Athletic past, and future dominance. Former Greats Cassel, Bates, and Green where on hand to welcome the 2013 class of prized recruits through the annual freshman orientation. In a completely non-related incident Nick Green was hospitalized overnight with what could only be described as MASSIVE alcohol poisoning. But I digress….. Prized indoor bike track racing recruit Juan Jose JosB Martinez looks to add to the PVC rich athletic experience becoming the first ever competitor in this sport for the Pipes, his experience includes a last place finish at the Tour de Hudson, NH, and a DNQ at the 2008 Tour de France. The fact that the writer of this article has a DNQ for the Tour de France does nothing to diminish that.
Alan Keyes took around the incoming class of basketball players including Michael Scalabrine who is the great nephew of former Pipe Brian Scalabrine, the only pipe hoopster to make the NBA. The pair where seen playing wiffle ball in the weight room, word is that this is a new training strategy for head hoop coach Terry Frank. Brother of Nets head coach Lawrence Frank and 33rd Cousin of US president Barack Obama. SEE the pipe bloodline stretches everywhere!
Continuing my magic tour of this campus I approached the famed Labine Field at Kelley memorial stadium. Baseball is by far and away the money maker for the PVC community so curiosity got the best of me, and I walked through the open Gate A door. What I saw transfixed me…the illustrious green grass of the famed infield, and yes…. the 2008 National Champs working in there new recruits. Bates of Pipe past greatness was throwing batting practice to incoming freshman utility catcher/pitcher/nacho guy Heath Ledger when one came in high and tight. Ledger stepped out to ask Bates to “come with it again, you fucking pussy!” The next pitch as predicted knocked ledger’s helmet off and the player down to the ground, the resulting chaos caused the woman’s softball team to storm the field and hold Bates back from Ledger. Bates just kept screaming “THATS PIPE BASEBALL BABY! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” I nearly cried at the sight, the old guard passing on the tradition……………………………..

More to come new Pipes fans.